new here and seeking help for partner.

[bewildered]

good evening.
found myself here because i have a partner of two and a half years, who is, i suspect aspergers.
he took the quiz, and i'm sorry i can't remember the score, but it came up with the possibility he is.
he's told me that he has suspected a split personality for many years, his words, good guy/bad guy and that it's up to me to bring out the good guy!!
sorry, but, i can't do that for him, only he can.
his behaviour, the things he says, the way he turns a conversation round, the way it's affecting our relationship, is getting to me to the point that it's having a physical affect on me with stress, hair falling out, stomach knotting, getting tense, and the other day, he got me so frustrated and hurt and angry with tears, that i wanted to hurt myself to take the pain away.
i don't know where to turn to help him, which is why i'm here, for help and advice.
i care very much for him, love him, we're an older couple, and i recognise that if this is an illness/condition then he maybe can't really help himself..or can he??
i don't want to walk away from him, but..
i have to also look after my health through this, otherwise i'm no good to anyone, and we end up nowhere, and the problem will persist.
he plays the victim, but puts the guilt on me, because i couldn't bottle up the distress he's been causing me.
when things get too tense between us, i have to leave my house so that i can bite my tongue and not react, while he sits here in the warmth and comfort, oblivious to my pain, only his..
help. please.what do i do?

if i've posted this in the wrong place, please could someone move it to where it should be, thank you.
bewildered. x

[wootlebug]

Hi,
you don't go into details about his behaviour but I suspect it is probably a combination of neglect, rudeness and all round lack of care

The good news, if you can call it that, is that he probably doesn't fully understand the hurt he is causing you. The bad news is that he probably won't change even if he wanted to and probably doesn't.

You say he plays the victim because he can feel his own sense of injustice but not anyone else's. We just don't do empathy and to try and ask for it is like asking him imagine he has a tail.

My advice is to study the symptoms of Aspergers and check them off against your husband's behaviour. Then decide whether you can live with it. If you can't, I suggest you leave because things are unlikely to change and you should think of yourself.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

[bewildered]

thank you wootlebug for your honesty and telling it as it is.
i know what i should do for both our sakes, but have i got the courage to do so???
i really wish i didn't care so much about him.
need to sleep on this and come back here with a few more details, not that it'll change anything i guess.
right now i feel numb and dead inside, and there are tears, and realise that what i've just written is a contradiction.......


edit..
it hasn't been an easy couple of days, and to be honest, i think he resents me, he's not in the wrong, i am..but i'm keeping a smile on my face and trying to be calm although inside i'm in turmoil.
we talked at length about this before xmas, he agreed with me that there was something wrong, he went home for a week, came back all full of promises and good intentions, and although for a few days everything was ok, we're back to square one and i'm the wicked witch again.
can't think straight at the moment..

[wootlebug]

Hi again bewildered,

As I said in my previous post, I don't know all the details of your situation. However, you say you feel "numb and dead inside". He probably feels numb inside all the time, which is half your problem. The other half might well be that whether he has Aspergers or not, you have to decide if he really does care about you.

You say "he...came back all full of promises and good intentions", and it then went downhill. I suspect you are both in a pattern of behaviour that sets each other off. You both need to recognise the signals of that behaviour and try and alter its course, otherwise its round in the same old dance again. The added complication is that your partner can learn to alter his behaviour but probably doesn't understand fully why it affects you. So, he can learn to change on an intellectual level but probably never at an emotional level.

It'll be hard work and only you can decide whether the journey is worthwhile and whether you have the strength to see it through with no promises at the end.

[bewildered]

again, thank you wootlebug for taking the time and trouble to reply, it's much appreciated and have learnt too from what you've said.
have spent most of the night writing a huge reply and explanation here and a list of asperger type things that he does, but realised when i wrote it all down, what good would it do?
i couldn't find the right words to explain coherently anyway, was just ranting away to myself i guess.

you're right of course, it's come to a point now where we've got into a pattern of behaviour that sets each other off..
we can't even have a conversation now as he finishes my sentences with what he thinks i'm going to say, very wrongly, (the opposite to what i'm going to say) and when i try to finish, he talks over me, won't let me finish, and then because the words have been said by him, they're my words, if you see what i mean. everything gets confused.
and he always has to have the last word, but maybe that's just a man thing and nothing asperger'ish.

i can no longer bite my tongue and just try and let it ride over me without reacting..
to my shame and horror, it's now got to the point after all these months, when i react badly and instantly and it turns into a slanging, crying (me) match, something i've tried so hard to avoid, because that achieves nothing except add fuel to the fire.

it certainly wasn't like that in the beginning, when he told me so much about his life, and i listened, enthralled even, as he'd had such an interesting life travelling the world, but then after a few weeks he'd tell me the same again, and again, and again as if i was someone new and hadn't heard it before.
and always the same sentences and words and expressions, i even read the same on forums he's on to the exact letter.

and he's read the previous posts here, i've got nothing to hide, so when he asked me if i'd joined here and posted, i answered honestly and showed him..
his instant reaction was that he said he'd join and post a reply, don't know if he will though, but it would be interesting to see what he writes if he does.
it might even be helpful, who knows, but he wasn't exactly pleased that i'd aired our dirty linen in public (as he saw it) even though what is here gives no clues, obviously, to our true identities and of course he's now denying that he has a problem/illness/whatever.
and until he recognises that, how the hell can we deal with it.??

he told me in the last discussion/argument we had about this, that he could see i was going to /or had in effect ended the relationship because of what had been written here.
to be honest, that's the last thing i want, because as i said i care about and love him, but neither of us can carry on down this destructive path, something has to happen and very soon because as i said i can't take this level of unhappiness and despair any longer and of course it's not helping him either.
he himself can see no solution to this, i can because of what you've written, but it needs something positive to happen and not just useless talk with no action, and we clearly can't go on like this without.
and of course, if he doesn't or won't see the problem..

personally, i think he wants out, he's waiting for me to end it, so that he won't have the guilt and can be the one who has been wronged,
we had a very bad day today (mon), after a good one yesterday, i said some spiteful, unkind, hurtful things in reaction, he's brought out a really dark unpleasant side of me, but it's the only way i have of defending myself, without physically harming myself, if that makes sense.

and you're right about empathy, maybe i have too much, he has none, as you say..he has no idea how it feels to be in someone else's shoes.

and he has now been given an opportunity and the money, through an inheritance, to travel to places i won't be able to go because of health reasons.
that seems to be the only thing that he truly enjoys, travelling.
he lives and breathes maps and routes etc etc..

personally, i met him through a forum, at a low point in his life, and at a good point in mine, and guess i gave him a bit of excitement, by the way i live in uk and he lives in *******and i was going over there regularly to stay and see him, he started coming and staying over here, all at my expense, although now we go 50/50, and now a chance to travel with me in my camper, and a new relationship is always good isn't it, he's even said to me that, that's when we get on best, travelling, but i can't do that every day, life is also the mundane and ordinary at times, but that's not what he wants.

so i guess, sometime soon, he'll wave goodbye and set off once again on an adventure, well that's what he keeps threatening to do, he knows that it will hurt me to lose him, but he has his life to live however he sees fit, and as he says, that's his good right, and i won't stop him or stand in his way.
we all need freedom to be who, what or where we are, shame that we probably won't be able to share that i guess.
as your last sentence says, only i can decide whether the journey is worthwhile and if i have the strength to see it through with no promises at the end..
nothing in life is guaranteed, but we all have expectations, but for now, i'll live just from day to day and see what happens, and take it as it is.
i never have expected or asked for promises.
just honesty and respect.

[bewildered]

have been thinking about what i've written here and need to add more and clarify.
firstly, i've made it sound as though we're always fighting and shouting, that's not the case, the big one only happened the once, it frightened me so much as i lost control that day, it won't happen again, however much he pushes me and backs me in a corner.
i'm trying not to allow him to do that to me again.
he did however, spend that night and the next day in my bed as "he was so upset at my anger" (whilst i was downstairs on my settee) and will walk away for good the next time that i display such anger. ( i see that as a threat and control)
we do of course have problems as i've outlined in the previous post here, but never again will i lose my self control like that again, although i feel the effects it's having on me, by again holding it inside.

and i'm no stranger to mental health issues and personality disorders.
i have a brother who clearly displays aspergers, (a highly intelligent man with a degree and had his own computer business) friends with schizophrenia and bi-polar and myself, have had clinical depression following a divorce, a breakdown and rapes.
my partner believes that i'm keeping secrets from him, as although i've been very open and honest and confiding with him about my life, to my detriment as i now discover, there are certain issues that i've dealt with and put behind me and have no wish to further discuss, it's in the past and forgotten..so that constitutes me having secrets.

also, i'm intelligent, have a lot of common sense, he says wisdom and
insight, although i prefer to call it having life experience and sensitivity and these qualities get thrown back at me as though it's an insult.

also in my life, having divorced over 30 years ago, i've had a dozen relationships, some before marriage of course, some after, and all long term, and having failed for one reason or another, and mostly ended by me. (guess i'm good at picking abusive and controlling men)
and of course this vast number of men is thrown back at me, implying that i'm some kind of cheap slut, which i'm most certainly not, as this is how this is viewed in his country.

i've spent many years putting my life back together, building up my self esteem and confidence, and other peoples too, and in the course of a few months, it's being eroded away again with this relationship.

there are of course people here with this kind of personality disorder who are married or in a long term relationship, aren't there???
how do they cope and deal with this??
or don't they.

[wootlebug]

Lets not talk about him, lets talk about you.

From what you say, it seems to me that you have a pattern of picking the wrong men and then clinging on to them even though they are being callous and abusive. Rather than think about your partner, perhaps you ought to think about your own pattern of behaviour and whether it is really something you should change. You say you have been depressed. Maybe this is something to do with it?

It sounds as though you are aware of this and spent some years "putting your life back together". Is this relationship a relapse or moving on?

Perhaps you just need get a perspective on what makes you happy.

I've no idea about your partner's motivations. I'll just say that Aspergers is not a psychosis and we do know the difference between right and wrong. If you feel your partner is trying to make you end the relationship, that isn't AS talking, that's cold calculation.

As I've said before in the end it is up to you whether you stay and try and make it work or go. Just don't stay in a place that sounds like it is slowly destroying you.

[bewildered]

yes, i guess i do pick the wrong men, or maybe they pick me??
most of them have come with baggage that i recognise from my own experiences in life and maybe they see that in me too.
maybe they saw me , when i was younger, as someone who could be manipulated or controlled as i'm an easy person to get along with, i really am and friends say i have a good personality and am fun to be with.
one of them, after 30 years found me through the internet, and apologised for being a complete (censored), he'd lived with the guilt for years of hurting me and losing the one person he had truly loved by his behaviour, but he learned to his cost, far too late.
and no i don't cling on to them, but i hear their life stories, as we do do when we meet someone new, make allowances based on that maybe, and take it from there. when or if they turn out to be callous calculated men, then i walk away, or maybe i'm just a soft touch and they see that in me.
sometimes we have to take a chance on people and see where it leads, if anywhere, that's what life is, chances.
and yes, the depression came during and after my marriage, some of it a little in my childhood, which was far from perfect, but i'd rather not go into that here.
some of it came from the place i was living after my divorce and had no means or money to escape from and circumstances far beyond my control from living in a violent neighbourhood.
then i was lucky enough to move, got my life back together, and live in an area that is calm and non threatening. peace at last.
i had no need or want of a partner, quite happy just being myself, and working for a charity. certainly didn't think about or want another relationship.
and then i met my partner that i have now as i said on a forum. we exchanged many e-mails, talked for hours, became friends, strong friends, and then finally met. he was and is the best thing that had ever happened to me and there was an immediate affinity between us, lots of co-incidences with our lives, love and sex were good, is good. we shared so many hopes and dreams, still do, except..
this whatever the personality label is, came to the fore.

what makes me happy?? simple things basically, i don't have or want expensive things, him either, just freedom to live peacefully, travel a bit with the camper, meet people, talking and laughing and maybe a drink or two with friends.
don't do clubs and fashion, that's supeficial,.

he's not a bad man at all, maybe a bit confused, hurt by some of his life and some peoples expectations for him,
i don't want to go further into this for his sake, but i understand better than most around him, where he is coming from.

this morning he came down, i'd been here all night, he gave me a hug and said that he's going home tomorrow and cutting the rope..
we have been talking to each other today, with reasonable calmness, after a bit of a rocky start, and i hope some understanding of this and a better understanding between us.

whatever happens from now, all i can do is wish him well with whatever path he follows, just want him to be happy and for me to find some peace from this mess.

thank you for your help, and thank you for listening and caring. it has been much appreciated.

[wootlebug]

No problem...

Good luck with whatever life, love and luck you meet next.

---

No problem...

Good luck with whatever life, love and luck you meet next.

[bewildered]

thank you.

problems now solved, he's ended the relationship and gone home to *******.

and i thought we'd got a better understanding between us too, because we'd been talking about the problems, but i was clearly wrong.
one day we had such a good talk, he said "i know now that i've hurt you really, really badly", and apologised, but then he stood in front of me, and asked me to kill the bad guy inside of him because he couldn't control him, and he made stabbing actions to his chest..
said i deserved better than him.
it was frightening.
again, i told him, that only he could get rid of the demons inside, and i accepted his apology with love.

but the next day, he denied he had a problem.
back to square one.

a couple of days before he left, can't remember now what was said, but i thought he'd finally realised what was happening, he apologised to me again for ever hurting me and i thought..finally, things will turn around and we'd be able to sort this out together.
then the evening before he left, he'd had quite a bit to drink and wanted to talk.
trouble is, when he's been drinking, his mouth kind of runs away with him and i could see that maybe it would end in yet another bad episode.
so i asked him to please stop, we'd discuss another time.
he wouldn't.
as he says, he's not afraid to say it in your face, and that's exactly where he ..in your face, so close, it's intimidating, he doesn't understand body language and personal space.
so i kept quiet, let him talk for a bit, then again asked him politely and quietly, again and again to stop.
and then he said the most hurtful things.
i've confided in him about about my life, i trusted him with intimate details because i felt i could trust him.
he threw back in my face about my rapes, and about my father abusing both me and my daughter when she was very young.
he said that most women enjoyed rape, and we were no different, we probably even had orgasms.
he believes women fantasize about this.
that was, in my eyes, the most hideous, spiteful and unkind thing any human being could say.
he obviously intended to hurt me as badly as he could.
and it did.
and it's shocked me to the very core,
this isn't the man i met and fell in love with.
all i can think, is that he must really hate me, despise me, and he could never have cared or loved me.
the next day he left.
and he won't be back, i know that.
he'll deny to himself, that these words were ever spoken.
he's probably forgotten and put me behind him already.

i just hope that one day, he realises, admits to himself that he needs to change and does something about it, because i know he can, and then he can have the happy and fulfilled life he's been looking for.
and not do, to someone else, what he's done to me.

and me? i'll never tell anyone about my life again, just the basics, or to confide in anyone. i should have kept these things to myself, but he wanted to know every last detail.
and because i'm honest and trustful, i believed he was too.
seems i was wrong.