HELP! We love him but hes driving our home mad

[DebTez1]

I dont know where to start except that our 11 year old Son, who has been diagnosed with Aspergers, is getting worse and worse, even now from week to week!
We adore our Son and will continue to TRY and do what we can for him at all times BUT .. He seems to do all he can to make everyone at his school, (one we have fought tooth and nail to get him into ... Successfully eventually!) dislike him!
We as his family love him dearly but he drives us to despair with his behaviour which most of the time seems SELFISH in the extreme. He is the last of four Sons and we have never seen this before. As such we are finding our usual 'persuasive' ways completely useless. We literally are beginning to despair.
I am his Dad and I sometimes cry alone.
I feel a bit of a 'sad case' in even writing all of this into an inanimate object like a PC .. but its starting to really wind us all up in our previously mainly happy and loving home.
I know that I am probrably wrong but I tend to blame his Mum for, as I tell her .. "Giving him all he wants at all times!" .. I just seem to think that traditional discipline would work, even though in my heart with him .. I sort of know it wont!?
I am not making sense here so what I should do is let my other half know that I have logged on, registered and tell her that she can maybe take up this whole thing.
He can be such a pain in the ....... ! BUT .. then in the beat of a heartbeat, he can then be the most wonderful and generous, and kind feeling little boy. God .. I get confused. SIGH ... !!!!
Terry (Dad)

[wootlebug]

First off, don't blame his mum (or yourself for that matter). The last thing that needs to happen is for you two to go to war over the boy's parenting.

Not being a parent of an AS child myself I can't really help although I know one set of parents who do and the mother has been driven to distraction by the boy's behaviour. So, at east know that you aren't alone and there are hundreds if not thousands of parents in your position.

One thing I have noticed here is that there are a number of parents who come in and cry for help but never post a response themselves. Perhaps they should even it is only to express some understanding of how it must be.

[jerry5]

hi Terry,
Certainly felt a bit like this myself mate. All our other kids have flown the nest and whilst we had a bit of a "taster" ref chasing the school over the diagnosis of dyslexia for our 2 boys, having our soon to be 7 yr old with AS is something else! Like you-must be a "man" thing!-I too think that the better half "gives in " to him too often as he is VERY demanding . But we both work long hours and when youre both knackered its doubly hard not to take the "easy option". But the truth is that he needs rules/boundries as much-if not more-than "normal" kids. Try not to give too many options though, I always find its best to stick to either A or B only. Timing the lenghth of time he can spend on a pc for example is also harder,but I find that (failing an old fashioned egg timer) count downs (10 mins more/ 5 mins more etc) help. Sometimes, of course, he IS simply being naughty, but other times it really is his AS kicking in and he needs "time out. We love him to bits but the plain truth is that it IS tiring/frustrating/difficult and thats why Im trying to find out as much as I can about AS in order to understand more about how he sees/feels the world and how we can best support him. Im sure that with an older child its even more difficult for yourselves but we're not alone and there are people both on here and elsewhere who live it too and can offer empathy, help and advice

[Sammysnake]

Hi Terry and well done for posting on here asking for support. In my experience it's often more difficult for dads than for mums to accept issues with their children and to then admit they might need some help supporting them, so well done. I'm mum to a 9-year-old daughter with AS (recently diagnosed) and I must say I would LOVE to read a post like this from my husband as it shows you want to help your son rather than leaving it to your wife. PLEASE talk to her about how you feel - even if you haven't got any answers for what to do if you show her you are in it together and discuss possible strategies it will really help you as a family.

I've been saying for years that my daughter had issues but my husband constantly told me there was nothing wrong - I was imagining it and being overprotective. In some ways it made me react in an overly protective way when he was having a go at her about something she couldn't easily help (such as shouting at her for not looking him in the eye whilst he was telling her off!). Now we have a diagnosis he has stopped saying these things and I feel I can talk to him about it without being on the defensive. Although he's still not involved in any of the support strategies I employ he is more relaxed about me using them and taking this defensiveness out of our interactions regarding our daughter has given me a chance to think more clearly about what he's been saying too and to see his point of view.

Maybe if you and your wife can talk about how you are both feeling and realise you are both on the same side, you can work out ways to support each other through the tough times. A simple example could be one person at a time dealing with the behaviours until it becomes too much and then handing over like a tag team to the other one. You could agree on a kind of signal to use when you need a time out so you can hand over to the other one seemlessly and because you've agreed on the strategies and boundaries you want to use, you'll be supporting and not undermining one another.

I hope this helps and good luck. Sam

[jerry5]

Totally agree with what you say about talking to each other openly there Sam!! In our house its probably a bit different in that, as we go through the current round of form filling and statementing, its me who is being the pragmatic one rather than my wife who is finding it all a bit too emotionally draining. I think some of this is just the old "bloke" thing, you know "men are from Mars/women from Venus". It might be the staple basis for many a comedian/en but the fact is that men and women do deal with things differently.Women are more likely to discuss their fears and concerns whilst men often bottle them up or rather think about things but are less reticent which is mistakenly seen as them not caring. If I am honest, when i look back ,it was my wife who first began raising concerns about him as he got older and me who sort of dismissed it but now it is me who does most of the research and form filling as I think she finds it difficult at the moment to deal with. Fair play, it was my wife who did all the pushing when the elder two lads had needed help at school with their dyslexia but now I'm convinced of his diagnosis its like "OK, he has got AS so what do we do now, how can we find out more in order to better understand how he feels and get him the support he needs". Its all a bit too pragmatic for my wife at the momment, she knows it needs to be done but somehow now its reality its like she needs to get her head around it. I think its simply that she is emotionally drained-as you know, having a child with AS can be rather demanding!-and shes having all those feelings that we know we shouldnt have but cant stop feeling-worry/guilt/blame/responsibility. Dont get me wrong, there are times when I worry not just about his present situation and needs at school but his future too; will he show less symptoms as he grows older, will he learn to cope better, will he be able to have relationships, what will work be like for him etc A lot of this worry is about the as yet unknown which is always difficult.The present issues I feel more confident about. As you say, it is important to be open and honest with your partner and also to try and allow each other their own "chill out" time because we all need that and it helps us to sort of regroup and meet the challenges that AS can throw at us. I wont pretend that we take equal care of our son because we dont as he spends more time with mum than me but that is really down to work shifts as we both have to work financially and I have 2 days off in the week and my wife the weekends. The old "ships in the night" thing. However-albeit after much nagging!-I do make far more effort now to help out with housework etc and share the workload. We love our son for who he is, just as we do with all the others, but the reality is that he is far more demanding and (because we arent as young as we were!) it is more draining. Even more reason for a united partnership then

[Sammysnake]

Terry you are a star. It was lovely reading how involved and supportive and understanding you are being. Are you getting any support as a family from outside agencies? I've been given loads of names of organisations although I haven't contacted any yet apart from an email to a local group that's I'm awaiting a reply on. There are various family support teams I believe who can come in and meet you as a family and give you ideas and advice for home and school too. It might be worth getting in touch, I suspect the National Autistic Society website will have details but you may already know all this if you are pursuing a Statement.

You and your wife might like to look at this link for a website my daughter and I found the other day when she asked me for some postive things about AS. http://autismaspergerssyndrome.suite101....s_syndrome
I know it doesn't take away any of the difficulties you are dealing with day to day but Beth and I felt really encouraged by reading it. It's all too easy to feel buried by the mountain of negatives we often hear about AS. I hope you, your wife and your son will be able to identify with some of the positives listed here too :-)

[jerry5]

good link , Sam, thanks for posting

[hannah88]

I know how you feel. I'm sure your both really good parents, it's noones fault. have you had any help? there are strategies for it (not that I have found any useful at all)