my son, aged 4

[hannah88]

Hi, I am a single mum to a 4 year old boy with suspected asperger syndrome. I have always kind of known he was different, although I was a young mum and his dad left when he was a baby I have always give im the best, folowed guidlines to the letter, socialised him from birth, fed him right and got a degree in early years education while raising him. Even though I've done everything he is still so angry and agressive. He kicks off at the slightest change, is violent towards other adults and children without being provocked at all. He will just push someone over as he walks past, its like the feeling just comes over him.

anyway my little boy will be starting primary school in september and I dont know what to do, Im trying my hardest to help him, taking him for visits etc but he just flips out all the time. He shouts when he talks he is just never calm and happy.

Anyway I just needed to vent a bit, I love my son and will always do my best for him but I just need someone to talk to who understands...

[jerry5]

hi hannah,
sorry to hear youre having a rough time of it. Our son is nearly 7 now and it probably wasnt until he was in year one at infants school that we really got concerned and started to explore the possiblity of him having AS or being on the autistic spectrum. Looking back of course ,a lot of his traits did first become more noticeable when he went to nursery school which he hated but we put it down to any number of different factors-which they indeed could have been. I sort of get the impression that at 4 it might be a little too young to get a diagnosis but do some reading up on here and elsewhere and then go to your GP with your concerns so you can get a referral or maybe just contact your counties childrens services dept for advice on how to proceed/who to contact .Certainly, the earlier you can do so and then get the school on board with any needs he may have ,the better. As for his shouting and being stressed out , we never really experienced that with ours until he was a bit older but a lot of it was simply whenever we took him out of his comfort zone and away from mum or dad (esp school!) and even now , when he cant cope and goes into a "meltdown" we just have to leave him to chill out on his own (as long as one of us is within sight of course) and let him just watch telly or play on his DS. When he is like this its no good trying to "talk him round" or reason with him as it would just overload him more. Anyhow, good luck and let us know how you get on.

[hannah88]

thanks for the reply! he got sent home from ursery today as his behaviour got too agressive. His dad had to go for him as they couldn't get hold of me as I was meeting my new class for my teaching job starting september. I have never felt more guilty. We also leave my son to calm down when he flips but there doesn't seem to be any method that is working and he is getting more and more aggressive. The aggrivating thing is that he goes to a sure start children's centre (supposed to be high on the list for inclusion and diagnoses in england, I dont know where you are from sorry) but they just seem to be making him worse. My auntie is a child psychologist and she said some of the 'strategies' they use are just going to be winding him up....it is so frustrating I am dreading taking him in tomorrow

[jerry5]

yeah, well I have mixed feelings about "sure start". Sure the intentions were good but they certainly are a mixed bag regarding ability and experience. My wife works in childcare and concentrates on "special needs" so its not like were totally uninformed on the subject. Anyhow, waffling ,sorry. as for feeling guilty, it might be natural but you do have to look after your own concerns as well. Its an old adage but if you dont look after your own needs, ultimately you wont be able to look after the needs of others. (and, yes, a bloke probably did say this, but it doesnt make it any less true).Do you think that the main issue he has is that he simply doesnt like being apart from you? In my area there is a special centre ("smart kids") that is specifically for children on the autistic spectrum. Certainly hear better things about it than sure start centres. Perhaps there is a similar thing near you?

[jerry5]

On reflection, seems I was a bit harsh on "sure start" but whilst I know of some very good people who work in them there are equally some with less experience and ability. Really you need to find a childcare setting that caters specifically for those on the spectrum perhaps. After all, all schools are signed up for the "every child matters" bit and are supposed to be both supportive and knowledgeable of special needs but the reality is often different. Its not that the individual teachers are not well meaning or "bad", its just that they lack the knowledge and/or experience. Guess the same is true of "sure start" and other childcare centres. Probably teaching you to suck eggs ,but have you browsed online for alternative centres and looked for reviews or contacted the local childrens services to see if there is a local AS support group who might have helpful suggestions?

[hannah88]

thanks for the advice it is always good. I have just completed a degree in Early Years development and education whre i took 'special needs' as my option, and my sn's nursery is supposidly the best around. However I just fail to see it myself, if it wasn't for me pushing for support and my auntie (who is a child psychologist) giving me advice to pass on I doubt I would have got this far support wise. When I attended the CAF meeting for my son the 'proffessionals' seemed to be trying to persuade me not to get a proper diagnoses, however when I talked to my auntie they said that it is what is needed DEFINATELY. He is somewhere on the spectrum but his needs need to be properly addressed. Does your child get wary of any change in routine? Last night I put my son to bed and turned the light off then said night night. As soon as I did this he screamed crying and was inconsolable for ages. Finally he told me that I have to leave the light on, say night night then turn it off (which must be what I usually do...I hadn't noticed) and as soon as I did that he was absolutely fine again.

I haven't thought of a local AS support group I will definately look that up!

[jerry5]

hannah, he is now nearly 7 and cant/wont go to bed on his own!!!Yes, we did try when we were both off together on holiday to try and weather it and get him into a routine and force the issue (like you see on that "nanny" tv show) but to no avail. Weve tried several times now but with me working lates (home just before midnight) several days a week and us having to have different days off for financial/childcare reasons its hard to find more time to sort of weather the storm of getting him to do this. He does have a bedtime routine, you know, bath then a last tv show then same time to bed with 2 stories but he will not go to sleep on his own so one of us has to lie with him till he falls asleep and the light most definately must be on!!He never has liked the dark and weve given up with a trip to the cinema for example as he just freaks out when the lights go down and we have to leave. From what I gather, sensitivity to light or darkness is fairly common amongst aspies as is sensitivity to numerous things , commonly food textures etc. As for the routine thing, yep,this is the biggie and he can still get really stressed if even little changes happen that most people wouldnt even pick up on so your example of the turning off the light routine is really typical. Just be grateful that he does go to sleep on his own hannah! If youve not read them try and get hold of Tony Attwoods book on aspergers and brenda boyds "parenting a child with aspergers". Both are advertized on this site and available from Amazon and, if youre like us, all to often youll be going "thats him!"as you read through them. Both books offer some stratergies although, tbh, we had already tried most of them but as one of our lads SENCO officer pointed out, if you try a particular stratergy and it only works for a while or not at all,it doesnt mean that it might not work in the future. I often feel like photocopying sections from these books to give to certain teachers;you know, a sort of "look, see, Im not making this up, Im not some overprotecting parent and he isnt just being naughty and headstrong , this is how he really feels about stuff and if you do such and such he wont cope and then he'll have a meltdown ".Anyhow, enough rambling, and hope you can find a local support group to help.

[hannah88]

yeh my son has always been good at going to bed, although sometimes he wont go to sleep...he will just play quietly because he knows if I know he is up I'll put him straight back in bed. I did the controlled crying when he was a tiny baby, I don't think I could do it to him now he is bigger and understands more though it was upset me more than him lol. P.S. super nanny is so rubbish, I hate the way she deals with children, telling them they are naughty all the time and putting them on a 'naughty step'. It is not the child that is naughty its the thier actions that are wrong and the child needs to know that otherwise they are just going to think 'well I'm bad so I might as well'. We are focussing on the bad, what awesome things does your son do? Mine is so overly loving he can't contain his love and has to squeeze you so tight when he's cuddling =)